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The Ladies Toast
W.H.G. Redfern
When you are getting ready
To go out to a do
These words of worldly wisdom
I would like to offer you.
I speak from past experience
And know just what can happen,
When we men are bathed and dressed
And you girls are still in wrappers.
Now darling I must tell you
The time is half past five
The reception is at six o'clock
And we have five miles to drive.
Now Brethren as well you know
If these words you utter,
The next thing that will happen
Is a very ominous mutter.
With water hot up to the brim
Into the bath she climbs
And never seems to give a thought
To the passing of the time.
By now we are on tenterhooks
As the time it seems to flash
And all that we can hear of her
Is splash and splash and splash.
We listen to the gurgle
Of the water running out
When to the bathroom we are called
By a loud imperious shout.
Come inside and shut the door
It's draughty if you don't,
Pass the towel off the rail,
And mind the powder on your coat.
Now down into the lounge we go
Perhaps to have a drink,
To dull the thoughts of passing time
Of which we dare not think.
By now it's almost six o'clock
And your ulcer starts to twitch
And yet she seems so unconcerned,
Still, we think, without a stitch.
And then we think we're hearing things
As wife is heard to shout,
My dress has got a little crease,
I'll have to iron it out.
Now we poor men
so patient are driven to suggest,
The reception will be over
And we'll be the latest guests.
But this mistake is fatal
To utter words so true
It was our fault right from the start
As I will show to you.
Shirt and socks and evening dress
Were ready in our sight,
When we began preparing
For our festive night.
What would we do without you
Preparing for occasions of this sort,
What would we do without you
And your help and your support.
Tie my tie and cufflinks link
Are personal requests,
They all take time for you to do
Before you can get dressed.
So please accept our grateful thanks
For everything you do,
And to say again how pleased we are
To have ladies such as you.
So to the ladies here today
Be they friends, sweethearts or wives,
We wish to thank you very much
For lighting up our lives,
And so before my chair resume
My toast to you complete,
There is a message from the Brethren
Which to you I must repeat.
Our wish to all you gorgeous girls
Be you long or short or tall
Is to wish you health and happiness
And to say we love you all.
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